“I just need him to tell me he doesn’t give a f*ck about me. Like, just say you don’t care and I can go about my business,” she said.
Hearing my friend say that, it was hauntingly familiar. I’ve said something SO similar. Other friends of mine have said it too. It’s shocking to me that we need to be “released” from these bad situations. Why are we asking for permission to walk away from what we know is bad for us? Whyyy?? If we want to be “set free,” why can’t we do it ourselves?? No, that wasn’t rhetorical; I’m legitimately asking because I need to know. Lol.
As women, particularly the ones I know, (myself included) we’re strong enough to bounce back from so much personal turmoil, yet there’s this one situation, this one person that exposes a weakness that perhaps you never even knew you had. And typically that weakness is that specific person. “That one.” Kryptonite- Superman’s ultimate weakness, or anything that causes one’s ultimate weakness. An example of kryptonite is the one food a person is seriously allergic to (according to yourdictionary.com). So, back to my friend who inspired this post. I wanted to give her a list of reasons why she doesn’t need his permission to walk away from him. Ultimately she understands she wants something he either cannot or will not provide. But there I was, pretty speechless for at least 45 seconds (which is extraordinarily rare). What was I going to say? Especially because I’d been in her shoes before and there was no talking me out of it at that time. So I asked if she wanted to be in a relationship with him. She immediately said yes, followed by, “I would. Like right now. Today. Drop everything because this is ultimately what I’ve been waiting for.” So there it is. He doesn’t need to tell you he doesn’t want you and that he doesn’t care. In fact, he’s never going to say that. For 3 years, you’ve pretty much been at his beck and call. Why would he tell you something that he understands could potentially “set you free,” when he knows doing the minimum has and will most likely continue to keep you around?
As our conversation continued, we agreed that most people have “that one.” I guess your weakness, the one you break all the rules for, your exception, the only one who makes you feel stupid and look like an idiot. But most of us have a hard time breaking free from that one. Again I’m asking why. Knowing several women who have had “that one,” I’ve found it’s their first grown up relationship, or the first person they connected to after another significant breakup or even a personal or family tragedy. It’s emotional projection. It’s the connection you have partially because of how vulnerable you felt coming out of that last “big thing.” Ultimately though, there really isn’t an answer. This is obviously situationally based and is absolutely not black and white. But I must say, there’s something to it, being that I’ve heard those words “that one” from so many different people.
I also think the fear of it, specifically for me was that if/when you move on and you’re not necessarily over it, are you settling into or for the next person you end up with. Because here’s the thing, you didn’t necessarily leave that “bad situation” because you wanted to. Many times when you leave, it’s because you had to. For your own self-respect, self-worth and self-love. From experience, I think loving yourself enough to walk away doesn’t erase the fact that you have unresolved feelings for your kryptonite. But that’s when the work comes in. So no, it’s not “settling.” You’re accepting that you don’t have a future with “that one” for whatever legitimate reasoning you’ve come up with. Now you have to learn to make space for who could possibly be “the One.” (If you believe in that sort of thing; soulmates and such). I watched KUWTK this past Sunday and Khloe said, “I don’t think you ever really have peace walking away from a situation you wish had ended differently.” She was obviously speaking about her estranged husband Lamar. She speaks continuously about still loving him and about how much she doesn’t want to file for divorce. If things had been her way, they would still be together. But Khloe understanding relationships take 2 people, she’s expressed her continued efforts to move past their relationship. So Lamar being “that one” she’s never gotten over and may never get over, now what? I guess time will help heal things. Perhaps, you don’t get over it, you accept it for what it is, kinda like a scar that’s healed but the mark is still on your skin? Who knows? Just sharing ideas here. Lol
XoXo, #SGSG
-@lorealdanee
